FUNNY QUOTES

FUNNY ONE LINE QUOTES

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

The panic begins with the first one to say 'Calm down!'

Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Life is beautiful… from Friday to Monday.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  I always do research.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.


The device will work much better, if you turn it on.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Do you need space? Join NASA

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

If you fall in love with 2 guys – stay with the second, because if you really loved, you never required the second.

Don’t drink while driving – you will spill the beer.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

It does not matter how much you work, there will always be an idiot that works less but gets more.

Don’t say that you’re working; better show what you have earned.

Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.

The most valuable money is the money that you have to give back.

When I was born – I cried. When they took me to army – I understood why.

A bad boxer does not need toothpaste.